You Had Her at Hello... and then Lost Her!

Wednesday's Relationship Corner (has posted on the Huffington Post)


If you could have designed the girl of your dreams, she would be it in every way and more.  She is perfection and of all people she seems to be interested in YOU!  Could this be a dream?   Honestly, you would have thought that this girl would be out of your league.  So, you decide to man up and do the unthinkable - ask her out on a date!  (Sacrilege!!!) To your amazement she says yes and you go out and enjoy yourself.  But, the dream ends there.  You don’t hear from her.  She doesn’t follow-up.  She’s elusively “busy” and doesn’t return your texts or phone calls for days, if ever.  You my dear male compatriot have been Poofed!  (Be Gone!)… also known as loss of interest.   So, what happened?  What in 24 hours could make this girl go from “seeming to be into you” to treating you like a plague?  Here are four cardinal things that can be a repellent to any women.

1. Trying too hard

Just as dogs can smell fear, women have been programmed to sense a man “lacking confidence.”   Lacking confidence translates into trying too hard, which can also be confused with the stench of desperation.   The appearance of “trying too hard” can be seen when a man tries to impress a woman with what he does, who he knows or by being way too eager or fake.  Always, the best thing you can be is YOURSELF.  If a girl is willing to spend time with you, she has probably evaluated your pros and cons, which means she’s assessed your superficial flaws and is okay with it.  In fact, she might think you are perfect just as you are – flaws and all!

2. Not Trying Hard Enough

This can be deadly especially if your girl has a hint of being a little old fashioned.  Although the women’s movement has thankfully made it more common for women to be assertive, women have also been conditioned to believe that men like thechase.  A girl who chases a man runs the risk of losing his interest or appearing delusional as she pursues a guy who is “just not that into her.”   However, a man who pursues a woman is endearing (as long as he’s not creepy about it).   That means picking up the phone tocall her, and not relying on texting as your primary means of communication; reallytaking the time to get to know her; and showing a genuine interest in whatshe’s about.

3. Mr. Socially Awkward

This is another killer.  You can be the best guy out there (and in case you didn’t know Good Guys are the latest fashion trend) but if you are socially inept, you are fighting a losing battle.  If this is you, my suggestion is to enroll in a Dale Carnegie class ASAP to work on effective communication.  Charismatic guys are attractive because of their ability to fit in to any situation.  Being socially awkward can read as a man uncomfortable in his own skin and insecure.   Definitely not the signal you want to send out.  (That’s like being Pepé Le Pew and trying to attract a cat with his skunk odour.)  A good way to get around this is to ask her questions about herself, tell stories with enthusiasm, and learn to laugh and smile. 

4. Loserville

I’m not sure I can help you with this.  You might be in need of a make over or maybe for the right girl (willing to tolerate you) to come along.  (And that could be a long wait.)  Wondering if this is you, here are some clues.  If you are like a rain cloud when you enter a room and people scatter like cockroaches do when the lights are turned on, then this is you.  Being rude, inconsiderate and trying to be funny when you really aren’t are also actions that can condemn you to Loserville.  Also, for better or worse your reputation can precede you.  Even though you’re not in high school anymore, being uncool or not a good person can make you unpopular.  A quick google/facebook/twitter/myspace of your name can unleash ghosts from the past, so don’t put anything out there if it doesn’t represents you!

Your relationship non-expert,

Nicole